Emily Maine – Hiding my History

What are my demons?  I have thought long and hard about demons these last few weeks and the things that hold me captive. It is incredibly vulnerable to think about sharing the deepest secrets, the proverbial ‘skeletons in the closet’ if you will. history

So many things over the years have held me down; whether it be boys or self-loathing or jealousy but nothing so strongly as pornography. I feel nauseous even thinking about admitting this in a public place. I know it’s anonymous and I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but it’s still weird you know?

The Start of Clearing my Browsing History

I remember the first time I searched for a naked picture on the internet. I was eleven years old, and curious. Thinking back, I didn’t know anything about anything; I just wanted to see what it looked like. I remembered the first time I saw a real-life person naked (some distant relative in the shower when I was a kid) and wanted to see if it was normal to look like her. Even after all this time I can still see the pictures in my head like permanent engravings just there to torment me.

It Became an Addiction

After a while I was racked with guilt and vowed vehemently that I would never look at pictures like that again, and that I was totally done. Well, before I knew it curiosity killed the cat and I found myself looking again and then clicking a link and seeing a naked man for the first time. That was strange, and I didn’t like it, but it was weirdly mesmerizing to me. I couldn’t seem to look away though I knew it was bad and not something I should be seeing. It led to a spiral.

Quickly, I learned how to browse incognito and to clear search histories and to hide and hide and hide. I acted out – perhaps out of self-loathing – but maybe I was just angry that I had done something so stupid. Did I not know any better? Wasn’t I a sheltered kid? I felt myself growing up too fast. It became my obsession and my drug. The high I would get from watching or reading was hard to recreate with anything else. While friends turned to smoking or people I turned to a computer screen or the occasional book to satisfy a deep craving and a longing that never seemed to be filled.

Was I In Too Deep?

Months turned into years and before I knew it I was in way to deep. I tried all the ways I could think of to break the habit that no longer felt sneaky and exhilarating but had turned into a sick twisted self-loathing. Nothing seemed to work. Who can you admit that you watch porn or masturbate to? It’s disgusting and not something that someone that claims to be a Christian should ever be doing. As a woman it is harder still to admit. No one ever expects a girl to do it – it’s just a guy thing, not a girl thing. Interestingly society has almost made it a joke in a way “oh boys will be boys” as they sneak the playboy or hide a sock under their beds. It’s much less shameful to be a guy who reads porn than a girl.

Coming to Acceptance of my Inner Demons

Now that the heavy things are out of the way I guess I should get down to the redemption portion of the story. I wish I could say that I had a huge spiritual revelation and a come to Jesus moment and was instantly cured and never struggled again. But that wouldn’t be true. The truth of the matter is that it’s an ongoing battle and a process that takes a lot of prayer and reminding myself over and over who I am and more importantly whose I am. I remind myself that I am priceless and that I am worth so much more than I believe I am – and I am not worthless like I feel when I search for porn or read books full of sex and all manner of things I know I shouldn’t be looking at.

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Note from Kate:

Just because one person may view an action as negative, or self destructive, does not necessarily 
mean everyone has this view. Peoples attitudes towards porn will differ based on values, religion, 
faith, etc. You do you - whatever that may be. :)

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Note from Kate: Just because one person may view an action as negative, or self destructive, does not necessarily mean everyone has this view. Peoples attitudes towards porn will differ based on values, religion, faith, etc. You do you - whatever that may be. :)

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