Cassie – Becoming my Biggest Fan

I have never liked disappointing people; no matter who they were, or how well I knew them. I simply did not want to disappoint them. Maybe this is where my feelings stemmed from? Maybe this is why no matter what I have accomplished in life, I have always felt like I haven’t done enough; that I haven’t done enough to make someone proud of me.

You may be thinking, “girl, what are you talking about?” or “I thought this was supposed to be about personal demons?”. I am here to tell you that what I feel is real and that there are thousands of people who can relate; you might be one of them.

Is No One Proud?

It isn’t a good feeling when you feel like your family isn’t proud of you. I can tell you that I have voiced this before, and it did not make me feel better. My entire life I have gone above and beyond. I have worked harder and longer than others around me. I have worn myself out trying to keep up with others. All so that I could make someone proud of me. I wanted to make someone proud of me, because if I didn’t, then I felt like I was disappointing them.

I Tried So Hard

In high school I was the girl that was a part of everything I could be. I took extra classes, went the extra mile on assignments and tried to win as many awards as possible. So, what happened when I didn’t win something? Or when I didn’t do as well as I wanted to? When I didn’t reach a goal, or I failed? I beat myself up over it. I thought to myself, “I disappointed someone. Maybe I  didn’t do enough to make them proud of me. Should I have worked harder? I should’ve done something different. I’m not good enough. I am not worthy of someone being proud of me.”

The Realization

To whomever is reading this, everything I felt was toxic.

I didn’t know it at the time, but I was only hurting myself. I was destroying any part of myself that made me feel good for my accomplishments.

How to Overcome Your Own Demons

So how did I overcome it? I’m sure that is why you came to read this. Because it isn’t that you wanted a sad story, you want to know how I overcame this feeling; that what I do isn’t enough or that no one is proud of me.

I am not sure when it happened, if I am be completely honest. I think it came with age, maturity, and realizing that you cannot please everyone. That the only person you will have through your entire life, is yourself. Friends leave, and family can too. So why should I break myself over and over again to make them proud of me? I needed to learn how to be proud of myself. Deep down, I knew that I worked hard. I knew that I went the extra mile. I knew of my accomplishments. Why shouldn’t I be proud of myself?

Setting Goals

Setting personal goals that I knew were achievable and attainable really helped me. Whether it was getting a good grade on a paper or working out four times per week. I would set the goal, and then figure out how to accomplish it. When I did, I was proud of myself. I didn’t need anyone else to be proud of me. With this goal setting, I had to learn to not beat myself up over not reaching the goal on time. I had to learn that you won’t achieve everything you set out to achieve in life. Maybe that is a good thing; it makes me not only work harder, but smarter.

When you achieve a goal, get a job promotion, graduate – or whatever it may be – you should be proud of yourself. I don’t need to tell you that life is hard, because you already know that. Don’t make it harder by beating yourself up.

Self Reminders

Here is a reminder to all of you, and even to myself, you are enough, everything you do is enough. Be proud of yourself and your hard work. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel otherwise. I’m no longer ashamed of myself; I no longer feel the need to make everyone proud of me; no longer do I worry about disappointing others. I can tell you it feels good to be my own biggest fan.

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